


The Lost and the Lonely

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 20:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5554178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After catching Aaron self-harming, Robert takes him to hospital and tries to give some much needed comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lost and the Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> A one-shot based on the recent spoilers of Robert and Aaron in A&E, and also loosely taking a scenario of mine, in which Aaron and Rob hold hands throughout the night at hospital :)
> 
> I'm sorry to anyone waiting for the second chapter of Chains of Silver, but what with Christmas, it's been difficult to find time for an ongoing fic! But I hope this in some way makes up for that. Thank you guys so so much for the kudos for all of my other stuff. It means a helluva lot!
> 
> Please heed the warnings: self-harm at the beginning. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this :)

_Mid January 2016_

When Robert had seen the burn marks on Aaron’s skin, littered across his stomach like dead stars, his first instinct was to take him in his arms and treat him like glass; protect him from everything. Robert, of course, knew the irony in what he felt: he, more than anyone, had the power to hurt Aaron. 

But when he saw those burns, god. It was like his whole world stopped. ‘No,’ he gasped. ‘Baby, what have you done?’ The endearment slipped out, but if Aaron noticed, he didn’t say anything. He only pulled his shirt down again to cover his stomach, looking mortified. 

‘I couldn’t do anything else,’ Aaron whispered. He caught Robert’s eye and just as quickly looked away again. ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ He said it like an accusation, as if Robert had no right to look at him in worry and concern and ache. Which, yeah, he probably didn’t.

Over the past few weeks, things had thawed between them. Ever since Robert had got Doug off Chas’s case, Aaron had looked at his former lover in a new light. It wasn’t the way that he used to, and Robert was under no illusions that Aaron would ever look at him that way again, but it was something. The ice was starting to melt.

Then, Gordon Livesy turned up, and Aaron became reclusive, snappy, angry. Robert had never known Aaron without that layer of grumpiness, but this was something altogether different. Aaron couldn’t hide anything. He wore his emotions like he wore clothes. Except when his father returned, Aaron was suddenly stripped bare, all of his vulnerabilities and scars (inside and out) were there for everyone to gawp at.

Robert had felt hate before: a lot of his life was composed of hate or dislike in some way. And he hated Gordon Livesy. He hated him for putting that look in Aaron’s eye: that desperately pained, desperately helpless look. He had only seen it once before, and he vowed to himself that he would never hurt the younger man like that ever again. Except he had. He had, and he knew. Maybe that was the difference between him and Gordon: Robert knew what he had done, and regretted it. Gordon.... Robert didn’t know what to make of the man. 

Robert had seen the signs when no one else did. It wasn’t that he could claim to know Aaron better than them, because he probably didn’t. But no one else was there to see it; everyone was so caught up in their own lives that they didn’t see the suffering of the young man in front of them. But Robert did. He wasn’t scoring points; he was past that. He would never use this against Aaron, or against Paddy or Chas or Adam, or anyone else who had been with Aaron before. Right now, all he wanted was to get Aaron some help. Some real, honest to god help.

‘Hey, look at me,’ he said quietly. When Aaron refused to meet his eye, Robert put his hand on Aaron’s cheek and gently raised his head. ‘I’m gonna take you to a hospital, okay?’  
Aaron pulled away and an ugly frown creased his forehead. ‘No! I’m not going to some hospital to let some doctor get his kicks seeing how messed up I am.’

Robert sighed. It was like bashing his head against a brick wall. ‘There’s not a doctor alive who would get a kick out of this, Aaron. Just please, come with me.’ Aaron looked away again, mumbling about how fine he was, and how he didn’t need someone – especially Robert – taking care of him. In the end, Robert decided that he had to play dirty. ‘What use will you be to your mum if you hurt yourself like this, eh? What if she finds out? What state will that put her in?’

Aaron flinched after every question, and Robert hated himself, just a little. But it got results, when Aaron – still not meeting his eye – nodded begrudgingly. Robert stood and waited for Aaron to get to his feet before putting a hand gently at the small of the younger man’s back and guided him out the back door of the pub.

****

_An hour earlier_

Robert was putting off going back to Vic’s. He was grateful as anything for the room his little sister gave him, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was in the way. Not that either she or Adam had said anything (and he was surprised that Adam hadn't insisted Robert leave as soon as he could walk without looking over his shoulder), but he felt out of place in the cottage. He took to spending evenings in the pub until closing time, or as close to it as he could get without either Aaron or Cain giving him the stink eye. Things between he and Aaron had thawed; they hadn’t melted completely.

Tonight, however, Robert didn’t see Aaron around, and he'd had nothing better to do for the past few hours but look around. Aaron had closed himself off recently. Not that he was ever very open at the best of times, but this was on another level. 

Cain suddenly sat himself opposite Robert, making the man startle slightly. He did that nowadays; he had done around Cain ever since the kidnapping, but since the shooting, even more so. ‘You've been nursing that drink for the past forty-five minutes,’ he remarked. 

Robert looked down into the dregs of a pint and shrugged. ‘Yeah? Gonna buy me another are you?’

A dangerous smile played around Cain’s lips, and Robert gulped, cursing his impetuous mouth. ‘I wouldn't make jokes if I were you, sunshine,’ he sneered. ‘If you’re not drinking, get out.’

‘My step-mum owns half of this place,’ Robert said in a voice that thankfully did not belie his slight alarm. ‘If I want to sit here all night, I will.’

‘You think so, do ya? Our Aaron may be soft on ya, in a manner of speaking, but I’m not. My sister was in a psyche ward because of you, and I think you know more about who shot you than you’re letting on. So,’ he leaned forward and lowered his voice even more, ‘do yourself a favour and do as I say.’

He left Robert’s table without another word, as if knowing that the man would do as he had “advised”. Self-preservation kicked in, and despite his pride yelling at him to stay put, Robert swallowed the last of his lager and made for the door. 

The cold air on his face made him shiver, but Robert wasn’t thrilled with the idea of going home. He stood outside the pub for a minute, looking around him, and that was when he saw the flicker of a lighter against the shadows of the back of the pub. The small flame illuminated Aaron's face and made Robert smile. No matter what transpired between them, he couldn’t let go of the memory of the young man he had spent the better part of a year with (the better and best part of a year). Things were different now, but Robert couldn’t turn the feelings off and on.

Robert watched him, taking a pull on the cigarette, Aaron's head falling back against the wall in something which Robert at first took for bliss or relief. That was until he saw the younger man’s shoulders trembling, until he watched tears trail down Aaron's face. What happened next made Robert catch his breath, frown, and second guess himself all at once. Aaron, cigarette still in his mouth, rolled his left sleeve to the elbow, flicked the lighter again, and held the flame to his forearm. He watched Aaron grimace but hold the fire there, his eyes looking heavenward then closing. 

Robert stood, frozen in place. It wasn’t until his ex-lover pulled the sleeve down again and hissed in pain that he moved, striding towards Aaron and grabbing him by the arm. 

‘What the hell-’

But Robert kept his iron grip on Aaron's right arm, the arm that wasn’t just seconds ago held under a flame. He wrenched the sleeve up and, against Aaron's protests, held it to the streetlight to see better. 

Ugly burns on his arm. More than one. Some older than others. 

Aaron pulled away forcefully. 

‘Get the hell away from me!’ he hissed. 

Robert just looked at Aaron in something which he hoped the younger man wouldn’t think was disgust. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He pulled Aaron through the back door of the pub and, checking first that no one was in the living room, all but dragged him in and sat him on the sofa.

‘Tell me,’ he demanded breathlessly.

****

They had been in the hospital for an hour and a half, and so far the only thing that had happened was a nurse coming around to administer an ointment to help to calm the newly inflicted burns. Aaron had begged Robert not to tell them that he had done it to himself, as he knew that it would mean a psychiatrist and more than likely a call to Chas who, Aaron insisted, had enough to deal with. 

They were waiting for results to see if there were any infections that had to be taken care of before they were free to go. Robert paced up and down the small space, the only privacy being afforded Aaron a light purple curtain. They could hear patients groaning and sobbing around them, and every few moments the sound of hurried footsteps. 

‘Stop that, will ya,’ Aaron said. His voice was rough but weak. ‘Pacin’. It’s annoyin’.’

Robert stopped, arms folded across his chest and sighed. He looked at Aaron. He was pale, his blue eyes dim and red-rimmed, but from tiredness. He hadn’t cried and that, for Aaron, was disconcerting. ‘You alright?’ Robert asked. It came out gruffer than he would have liked, and he amended it by taking a seat next to Aaron’s bed.

Aaron shrugged. ‘Just wanna go home,’ he said.

‘I know.’ 

Aaron suddenly shook his head and leapt to his feet. ‘It had to be YOU, didn’t it!’ he shouted. ‘Coulda been anyone else, but it had to be YOU.’

‘Just be grateful I saw you when I did!’ Robert yelled back. ‘God knows what you would have done to yourself.’

‘I had it under control.’

‘Yeah, looked like it, all those-’ He stopped himself and inhaled deeply, letting his lungs fill, and counted to ten. ‘Come sit down, yeah?’

‘I’m fine here.’

‘Yeah, and I’d prefer it if you sat down, so.’ He gestured to the bed. Aaron huffed but did as bid. ‘Thank you.’ Robert peered at his former lover from under his lashes. There was something about him: he looked both too young and so old at once. The only time Robert had seen that was in the mirror. Maybe that was why he recognised it. He had met a lot of people over the years, but there was something about Aaron Livesy which made him want to dig a little deeper; get to know the man and the boy both. 

‘It scared me, you know,’ Robert said. Aaron turned to face him, a question in the furrow of his brow. ‘When I saw you, tonight, doing… doing that. It scared the hell out of me.’ His voice broke and he had to stop and look away. ‘I thought about the quarry, when I thought you’d… Scared me so fucking much.’

Aaron’s jaw clenched and he swallowed. ‘I didn’t want you to catch me,’ he said, and Robert wondered if that was an apology. Not that he was expecting one, nor did he want one.

‘I’m glad I did, though,’ he said, voice still breaking. ‘If anything happened to you, Aaron…’

‘Yeah, you’ve said.’

Robert had to think for a moment until his mind found the memory: it felt like years ago, not just early last year. Letting Aaron beat him up to stop him feeling guilty about Katie; to stop Aaron from destroying himself. _‘If I lost you, Aaron, I couldn’t handle it.’_

Robert had fought hard to be independent all his life, but in Aaron he found the one person who he needed in his life, the one person among all others that he couldn’t do without. Years ago, the thought of losing Chrissie had hurt; now, he HAD lost her, and it had hurt. But the thought of losing Aaron? Unbearable. 

‘And I mean it. I meant it then and I mean it now. Aaron, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.’ And that was it. The cards were on the table: Robert was still in love with Aaron; had never stopped being in love with him since Christmas day last year when he was there for Robert when no one else was. 

‘Save it, Robert,’ Aaron snarled. ‘I don’t need your games.’

‘It’s not a game, Aaron. I promise you. I wouldn’t say it--’

‘Yeah, if you didn’t mean it,’ Aaron finished with a sneer. ‘It means NOTHING to me, Robert. Do you understand? Nothing.’

‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Oh, so you think you know me?’

‘Yeah, I do, actually. I know that you try and be strong for others without another thought for yourself. I know you feel things more than almost anyone I’ve ever known. I know that, just like me, you lash out when you’re angry, or upset, but you turn it on YOURSELF.’ His voice softened. ‘But I also know what you look like in the morning, when you first wake up, before the guilt and the past has a chance to catch up with you: when you look innocent and young and beautiful. I know the way your eyes tell me EXACTLY what you’re thinking, even when your mouth is lying.’

Aaron looked away. Robert leant forward slowly, approaching Aaron as if he were a wild animal. ‘I care about you, Aaron,’ he said, his voice as soft as moonlight. ‘I know I’ve given you so many reasons to doubt me, but you have to believe me. I care so much about you.’ He reached out, his fingertips grazing Aaron’s. Just that simple touch – more than Robert deserved, less than he wanted – sent sparks through him. Aaron must have felt it too: he looked at Robert with something like wonder. ‘I don’t expect you to tell me everything. I know I don’t deserve that. But… but Aaron, you deserve more than having to cope with this on your own.’

The younger man looked down at their hands, reaching for each other. They had been closer before, much closer. Robert had been inside of Aaron more times than he could put a number to. But this small contact, after months of hatred and anger and pain and loss… it felt like something was mending.

‘Not tonight,’ Aaron whispered. ‘I can’t tell you tonight.’

‘I wouldn’t expect you to.’ Robert could read between the lines, though. ‘But you will?’

Aaron nodded. ‘Maybe. But right now I’m knackered.’

‘Get some sleep. I’ll be right here.’

Aaron lay on the bed, on top of the covers. Robert hoped they wouldn’t be here all night, but he would stay as long as Aaron wanted him, as long as Aaron would keep him. 

‘You can’t tell Mum or Paddy,’ Aaron suddenly said, his tired voice a demand.

Robert hesitated. A part of him relished the thought that Aaron wanted him and only him. Another part, the part that loved Aaron more than his own self-preservation, wanted to get Aaron’s family here – even Cain – let them see what had become of their boy while their heads had been turned. But when Aaron looked at him with those eyes that pleaded he be shown respect above anything else, Robert conceded. ‘Okay.’ He would let Aaron have this: this one victory, this one piece of control.

He watched Aaron fall asleep, mesmerised by the way his chest rose and fell, hypnotised by the way Aaron’s eyes fluttered, his eyelashes dancing as he tried to find sleep. Robert didn’t let go of his hand for the whole night.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi, or just have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://portinastorm.tumblr.com/)


End file.
